Trials and Tribulations

Posted by Anja Murjahn on

until further notice whenever I have time...

Photo: Anja Murjahn

Had, had, bicycle chain... If only I hadn't filled my mouth so full and made the slogan for my column "From now on every Monday for the first coffee". I wanted to put the pressure on myself to sit down on Sunday evenings at the latest and review the week or - if nothing happened that deserved a review - to reveal some nonsense about my life. But let's face it: Currently my performance in this regard leaves a lot to be desired. I don't know how many people read my column and therefore even notice when the Style Definery Instagram account doesn't report anything on Monday morning - but there probably aren't too many, at least judging by my follower numbers. In this respect, I don't actually have to beat myself up if I haven't written anything worthwhile on paper or laptop twelve hours before the planned publication. Nevertheless, you have a certain standard for yourself and unfortunately I'm not living up to that right now.

The reason is not a lack of topic, but rather the perspective from which I look at certain things. Anyone who knows me better knows that I am actually a thoroughly positive and optimistic person and of course I want that to be reflected in my writing. In the last three weeks, however, I somehow felt more like complaining because I was exhausted and frustrated and privately thought to myself that what I would really like to do is be a full-time housewife again. Not that it can't be very exhausting and unsatisfying, but you know how it is: the grass in the neighbor's garden is always greener and I struggled with what I was doing and asked myself whether the leap into self-employment and especially in... the fashion business wasn't a huge mistake. Suddenly everything seemed so heavy and sad and somehow final: the children more or less out of the house, the sadness about the empty rooms, the abandonment of our old home and the associated separation from many memories; the question of whether, despite all the work and effort I put into Style Definery, I will ever really make money from it and the look in the mirror and the (not so new) realization that nothing about me is getting thinner except mine Hair.

I had a real low and felt sorry for myself and I vowed to take better care of math and biology in my next life so that I might still have a chance at a meaningful career.

In fact, I often ask myself whether I would have done many things completely differently as a young woman with the knowledge I have today, whether I would perhaps have actually chosen a completely different course of study and would now be a lawyer or a country doctor, for example. But if I'm completely honest, I suspect the answer and it is NO. My 21-year-old self wouldn't have given a penny for what I know today, just as what I had set out to achieve as my next milestone a long time ago doesn't always apply to me in the here and now. But maybe that's not so bad. If I had known in my early 20s what was good for me and what wasn't, what fun would I have missed in my life so far? And trials and tribulations, great and not so great people, existential situations, inspirations and, above all, all the experiences that make life something you like to talk about and what you would like to look back on at some point. Deep down I know that every dry spell is followed by a fruitful period and that it's normal to feel weak from time to time. I found the following quote from Anne Petersen, editor-in-chief of Salon magazine: “You should be courageous in life, make courageous decisions and dare to do something. It’s worth it.” She’s right. Courage is always rewarded - even if it is not monetary, then with something else. Courage also means not always appearing perfect, allowing and admitting weakness and doubts, and letting go of your own perfectionism from time to time. That's why I forgive myself for my currently rather irregular writing, which I will simply stop writing for the time being due to too many projects, and I'm throwing myself into this week full of optimism and joy, in which I'll be working for three days my favorite city is Berlin. How beautiful is that please?

Have a great week!

LOVE, Anja

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Love, Anya


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